Rotten Egg SI: James Harden Finds Defensive Comfort Zone

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The Houston Rockets, fresh off one of the most disastrous offseasons in team history, have welcomed the beginning of official practices, hoping to do better than their roster implies they'll be capable of. A mere two days after camp commenced, rumors coming out of the gym indicated that James Harden had found his comfort zone on defense. 
 
Naturally, we were excited, hoping to see the two guard make the next step toward being one of the best players in the NBA. After watching a day of practice, we were sorely disappointed. Apparently, "comfort zone" meant that Harden had found his favorite spot on the defensive end, a spot that he'd jog back to, plant his feet firmly, and refuse to move during the entire defensive sequence.  
 
"I love matching up with him in practice," said backup wing player Francisco Garcia. "I score on every possession because he doesn't move with me." 
 
"He doesn't even attempt to lunge at me as I drain open threes over his disinterested face."
 
Offensively, Harden is still as good as ever, but his teammates are tired of his exaggerated flops. "He don't need to do that in practice," said defensive ace Pat Beverly. "Anybody touches him and he goes flailing like a three legged dog after a Frisbee."
 
Harden's inability to simply shoot a contacted shot and land on his feet has forced the organization to take special care of him off the court. "We don't let him walk on sidewalks," said head coach Kevin McHale. "The slightest gust of wind might push out into the street in front of oncoming traffic." 
 
Some players have even been secretly begging fate to do away with the frustratingly selfish, lazy guard. "If a bus kills him, I play more minutes," said 2nd string Center Donatas Motiejunas, who's no defensive ace, himself. "At least I know how to land on my feet when I shoot a layup."
 
New addition Trevor Ariza is trying to mentor the still-young Harden, but has so far failed to make any progress. "I'm starting wonder if that beard weighs him down," said the veteran.
 
Overall, it was a frustrating day for us writers, and we decided to bail before practice ended. Our intern stayed late, sending a report via text message, stating: "The starters ended the scrimmage on defense. The rest of the players have been off the court for 45 minutes. He still hasn't moved."